My mom's dowry
This photo story was developed in the framework of mentorship program organized by KOLGA photo festival and mentored by photographer Daro Sulakauri.
15.05.24
15.05.24
I have been hearing the question 'When are you getting married?' since I was 16, and I still don't feel ready for it. At first, I thought it was just a cultural thing, but based on my conversations here, it seems like it's a common question in this country as well. It's just that everyone's timing is different.
In Azerbaijan, according to patriarchal norms, a woman's marriage is considered essential because “a woman should have a man behind her;” she “should bring children into the world;” and she “should continue the lineage.” Many women are forced into marriage because being married is valued and, under the influence of these values, some make hasty decisions without having a choice or deeply considering their choices. In the most horrifying cases, young girls are forced into marriage at an early age.
Countless restrictions are imposed on girls—”come home before it gets dark;” “you’re a girl, you cannot travel alone;” “you can’t stay overnight at your friend’s house; “you can’t meet with the boy before the marriage” and so on. This becomes the main reason for the marriage. Boys and men, on the other hand, can easily do all these things.
Today, however, many women are now defying these norms and choosing to live their lives according to their own decisions, and they are happy.
In Azerbaijan, according to patriarchal norms, a woman's marriage is considered essential because “a woman should have a man behind her;” she “should bring children into the world;” and she “should continue the lineage.” Many women are forced into marriage because being married is valued and, under the influence of these values, some make hasty decisions without having a choice or deeply considering their choices. In the most horrifying cases, young girls are forced into marriage at an early age.
Countless restrictions are imposed on girls—”come home before it gets dark;” “you’re a girl, you cannot travel alone;” “you can’t stay overnight at your friend’s house; “you can’t meet with the boy before the marriage” and so on. This becomes the main reason for the marriage. Boys and men, on the other hand, can easily do all these things.
Today, however, many women are now defying these norms and choosing to live their lives according to their own decisions, and they are happy.
Lali, 25, a visual artist, single.
«The woman of the house»
The woman who, after the marriage, keeps the house, takes care of it, she is in “charge” of the house.
When I finished 11th grade, my father gave me a camera as a gift, but when I was a second year student at the Azerbaijan University of Languages studying Spanish, my mother laid down a condition for me: "You will not become a photographer!
You got accepted to the university, so study your profession!" she said and took my camera from my hands for six months, even though I had already started earning money. Actually, I understood why my mother did this. She thought that if I became a photographer, it would be very difficult for me to get married because usually "they don't accept such girls." such girls don’t get accepted.
But a few months later, because of my good academic performance, I was allowed to take my camera to the university sometimes and take pictures of girls. Sometimes I skipped classes and went to take photos. Gradually, with the support of my father, I started to feel more liberated with my camera, and by the end of my second year, I started working as a photographer.
My mother stopped hindering my desire to become a photographer. It was not easy for her as the majority of women of our generation either didn't get higher education and got married or became doctors and teachers.
After finishing university, according to my mother, I was supposed to get married. Matchmakers came, sent proposals, etc., but I didn't feel ready. A man's mother had come with a proposal for marriage, but after the boy found out that I am a photographer, he himself refused marriage. These events seemed absurd to me, but unfortunately, this was my reality.
Over the last year, my mother and I have not talked about this issue and have become closer as friends.
«The woman of the house»
The woman who, after the marriage, keeps the house, takes care of it, she is in “charge” of the house.
When I finished 11th grade, my father gave me a camera as a gift, but when I was a second year student at the Azerbaijan University of Languages studying Spanish, my mother laid down a condition for me: "You will not become a photographer!
You got accepted to the university, so study your profession!" she said and took my camera from my hands for six months, even though I had already started earning money. Actually, I understood why my mother did this. She thought that if I became a photographer, it would be very difficult for me to get married because usually "they don't accept such girls." such girls don’t get accepted.
But a few months later, because of my good academic performance, I was allowed to take my camera to the university sometimes and take pictures of girls. Sometimes I skipped classes and went to take photos. Gradually, with the support of my father, I started to feel more liberated with my camera, and by the end of my second year, I started working as a photographer.
My mother stopped hindering my desire to become a photographer. It was not easy for her as the majority of women of our generation either didn't get higher education and got married or became doctors and teachers.
After finishing university, according to my mother, I was supposed to get married. Matchmakers came, sent proposals, etc., but I didn't feel ready. A man's mother had come with a proposal for marriage, but after the boy found out that I am a photographer, he himself refused marriage. These events seemed absurd to me, but unfortunately, this was my reality.
Over the last year, my mother and I have not talked about this issue and have become closer as friends.
My mother Ulviya, 47, a homemaker.
«You are my daughter.»
We struggled for a long time, trying to accept each other and get along... and we succeeded. Although my mom still believes that there should be a man standing behind me so she knows that I'm in reliable hands and have settled down with my own family, she has also learned to accept my position: "I want you to get married, but I can't force you. This life is yours. You are still my child, I am your mother, and I accept you like this. I want you to fulfill your desires, let your heart be as it wishes. Now, I respect your opinions."
My grandmother Zarifa, 70, a homemaker.
«One cannot be happy with art alone»
My grandmother and I often communicate when I visit my grandparents in Masally (a small town in southern Azerbaijan). Sometimes she becomes very explicit and wants me to follow family traditions and start a family as soon as possible: “One cannot be happy with art alone.” “You should have a family, you should have a child, you should continue the lineage.” “Poor girl, why did I bring you into this world? Get married, so your mother knows there's someone to follow her.”
«One cannot be happy with art alone»
My grandmother and I often communicate when I visit my grandparents in Masally (a small town in southern Azerbaijan). Sometimes she becomes very explicit and wants me to follow family traditions and start a family as soon as possible: “One cannot be happy with art alone.” “You should have a family, you should have a child, you should continue the lineage.” “Poor girl, why did I bring you into this world? Get married, so your mother knows there's someone to follow her.”
“I discovered the world through the books”
However, deep down, I still see in her that young girl who wanted to become an architect and travel around the world, but her father was against it and insisted that she gets married to a man of his choice. She once dreamed of the same things as me... I am devastated to realize that she traveled the world through books that she read. "For the sake of my home, I discovered the world through the books. I traveled to distant lands, reading a book. Every time I read a book, I feel like I'm traveling, I'm there too." She does not say it but I can feel that she supports my choices.
However, deep down, I still see in her that young girl who wanted to become an architect and travel around the world, but her father was against it and insisted that she gets married to a man of his choice. She once dreamed of the same things as me... I am devastated to realize that she traveled the world through books that she read. "For the sake of my home, I discovered the world through the books. I traveled to distant lands, reading a book. Every time I read a book, I feel like I'm traveling, I'm there too." She does not say it but I can feel that she supports my choices.
"You should continue the lineage."
My grandfather Ramiz, 74, a teacher.
"If you don't have a family, who needs you, my dear lady, my beautiful?"
The main character in my photography career is my grandfather Ramiz. He is 74 years old, and by profession, he is a teacher of Azerbaijani language and literature, which is why he often speaks in verses. He always supports my sometimes crazy ideas and is ready to talk to me through the camera. He is the only one who didn't pressure me into marriage, although he once told me: “If you don't have a family, who are you, my dear lady, my beautiful?” This comes from his religious beliefs: "Allah created humans, then assigned the duty to multiply thereafter. It was necessary for our nation, for our state, that they would protect the country in the future, contribute to its development, and raise competent individuals to represent our nation internationally.”
"If you don't have a family, who needs you, my dear lady, my beautiful?"
The main character in my photography career is my grandfather Ramiz. He is 74 years old, and by profession, he is a teacher of Azerbaijani language and literature, which is why he often speaks in verses. He always supports my sometimes crazy ideas and is ready to talk to me through the camera. He is the only one who didn't pressure me into marriage, although he once told me: “If you don't have a family, who are you, my dear lady, my beautiful?” This comes from his religious beliefs: "Allah created humans, then assigned the duty to multiply thereafter. It was necessary for our nation, for our state, that they would protect the country in the future, contribute to its development, and raise competent individuals to represent our nation internationally.”
Chichak, 37, married with two children, actress / model
“As your name becomes known, your soul gets out.”
Which means if you have been intimate with a man
and people learn about it, it’s “better” if you die.
"When I was a child, our family discussed that as I grew up, I would marry Kamran. We became a couple as I grew older.
One day my parents' opinion had changed, and they opposed us. Consequently, at the age of 15, my father decided to send me away. Kamran and I fled from one city to another. As this relationship developed, I realized I wasn't ready and I change my mind regarding the marriage. Everything started from there. I was now considered a 'second-tier' girl, the choice of divorced men and older individuals. Dreams of marriage were not my aspirations; I wanted to pursue my path, to be recognized not as a runaway girl but for my achievements. My mother and relatives desired to cleanse my name by forcing me into marriage, while my father wished to uphold my values. I resisted and wanted an education. I dreamed of becoming a theater actress or a journalist, but they forbade it as they believed my 'name was already tarnished enough.' Despite the challenges, I managed to overcome judgments and stares. I pursued my dreams, built a family with the person I desired, and engaged in the work I loved. Happiness is always within your reach."
“As your name becomes known, your soul gets out.”
Which means if you have been intimate with a man
and people learn about it, it’s “better” if you die.
"When I was a child, our family discussed that as I grew up, I would marry Kamran. We became a couple as I grew older.
One day my parents' opinion had changed, and they opposed us. Consequently, at the age of 15, my father decided to send me away. Kamran and I fled from one city to another. As this relationship developed, I realized I wasn't ready and I change my mind regarding the marriage. Everything started from there. I was now considered a 'second-tier' girl, the choice of divorced men and older individuals. Dreams of marriage were not my aspirations; I wanted to pursue my path, to be recognized not as a runaway girl but for my achievements. My mother and relatives desired to cleanse my name by forcing me into marriage, while my father wished to uphold my values. I resisted and wanted an education. I dreamed of becoming a theater actress or a journalist, but they forbade it as they believed my 'name was already tarnished enough.' Despite the challenges, I managed to overcome judgments and stares. I pursued my dreams, built a family with the person I desired, and engaged in the work I loved. Happiness is always within your reach."
Arzu, 26, single, multidisciplinary artist.
“Girl burden, salt burden” (The girls in families are considered to be the same
“heavy” burden as salt, because they don’t bring money into the house.)
"It is so difficult to have a daughter!" I have heard this about myself. In our society, having a daughter is often considered both a financial and emotional burden, and parents typically want to marry her off at the earliest opportunity.
At the age of 20, I had just started seeing a boy, and my parents began insisting on formalizing our relationship as soon as they got wind of it. They said they would forbid me from seeing him otherwise. Under pressure, I agreed to get engaged to continue my relationship with my boyfriend. My parents assured me that there would be no pressure after the engagement, and we would decide how to develop our relationship in the future independently. However, after a while, they started discussing the wedding. My fiancé wanted a wedding, but I wasn't sure because I thought everything was happening too fast. One day, our relatives gathered and decided on the date and place for our wedding without consulting us. Everyone was happy about this news, but I was filled with anxiety. However, I didn't have the strength to oppose my parents, my fiancé's parents, and our grandparents, as I was afraid it would be a great disrespect to them. I didn't feel happy; it seemed like all of this was for the benefit of others, and my decision was taken away from me. I had this feeling as if they were trying to get rid of me.
Our wedding took place, and soon after, I started to realize that I didn't know him well enough. Being under a lot of pressure, one day, I decided to divorce him.
It was the most difficult period of my life; my family didn't support my decision because they considered it unjustified. I got a divorce. Since then, I have done a lot of work to restore my psychological well-being, and now I feel better about myself. I make independent decisions now, and I no longer allow anyone to interfere in my personal life."
“Girl burden, salt burden” (The girls in families are considered to be the same
“heavy” burden as salt, because they don’t bring money into the house.)
"It is so difficult to have a daughter!" I have heard this about myself. In our society, having a daughter is often considered both a financial and emotional burden, and parents typically want to marry her off at the earliest opportunity.
At the age of 20, I had just started seeing a boy, and my parents began insisting on formalizing our relationship as soon as they got wind of it. They said they would forbid me from seeing him otherwise. Under pressure, I agreed to get engaged to continue my relationship with my boyfriend. My parents assured me that there would be no pressure after the engagement, and we would decide how to develop our relationship in the future independently. However, after a while, they started discussing the wedding. My fiancé wanted a wedding, but I wasn't sure because I thought everything was happening too fast. One day, our relatives gathered and decided on the date and place for our wedding without consulting us. Everyone was happy about this news, but I was filled with anxiety. However, I didn't have the strength to oppose my parents, my fiancé's parents, and our grandparents, as I was afraid it would be a great disrespect to them. I didn't feel happy; it seemed like all of this was for the benefit of others, and my decision was taken away from me. I had this feeling as if they were trying to get rid of me.
Our wedding took place, and soon after, I started to realize that I didn't know him well enough. Being under a lot of pressure, one day, I decided to divorce him.
It was the most difficult period of my life; my family didn't support my decision because they considered it unjustified. I got a divorce. Since then, I have done a lot of work to restore my psychological well-being, and now I feel better about myself. I make independent decisions now, and I no longer allow anyone to interfere in my personal life."
Mekhriban, 38, single, researcher.
"I am not incomplete for marriage to complete me"
"Some time ago, I was preparing for my wedding, but for my well-being and safety, I decided not to enter into this marriage and chose to part ways. Unfortunately, people saw this as my tragedy, they felt sorry for me. This was one of the best decisions of my life. Finally, I had chosen myself. I wanted my loved ones to be happy for me and to support me, but many people thought ‘the poor girl could not be happy’. Every holiday, every birthday, I receive wishes to get married soon, and not just me, my mother gets these wishes for me, too. When I hear these wishes, I feel that as a woman nothing I do in life, except for getting married is valuable for society. As if being single is an inconvenience that I must solve soon. But, being single is as normal as being married. Marriage should be a conscious choice; it should not be an obligation imposed on everyone.
Now, I am happier than ever and the freedom I feel from being fully myself is priceless. If I ever decide to get married, I will do this with someone who adds happiness to my happiness. If I never take this decision, my happiness will not diminish the slightest bit. Because I am not incomplete for marriage to complete me"
"I am not incomplete for marriage to complete me"
"Some time ago, I was preparing for my wedding, but for my well-being and safety, I decided not to enter into this marriage and chose to part ways. Unfortunately, people saw this as my tragedy, they felt sorry for me. This was one of the best decisions of my life. Finally, I had chosen myself. I wanted my loved ones to be happy for me and to support me, but many people thought ‘the poor girl could not be happy’. Every holiday, every birthday, I receive wishes to get married soon, and not just me, my mother gets these wishes for me, too. When I hear these wishes, I feel that as a woman nothing I do in life, except for getting married is valuable for society. As if being single is an inconvenience that I must solve soon. But, being single is as normal as being married. Marriage should be a conscious choice; it should not be an obligation imposed on everyone.
Now, I am happier than ever and the freedom I feel from being fully myself is priceless. If I ever decide to get married, I will do this with someone who adds happiness to my happiness. If I never take this decision, my happiness will not diminish the slightest bit. Because I am not incomplete for marriage to complete me"
"Shifting Witness"
Photo Stories from the South Caucasus
"Shifting Witness: Photo Stories from the South Caucasus" is an immersive exhibition that captures the essence of Armenia, Azerbaijan, and Georgia through captivating imagery, showcasing the resilience, diversity, and complexities of the region.
The exhibition presents photo projects created by eight amateur photographers under the Kolga Tbilisi Photo Visual Storytelling Program.
Themes of societal transformation, cultural revival, and human resilience invite audiences to witness the stories of the South Caucasus and become part of a collective narrative of empathy and understanding. After experiencing the exhibition, viewers will gain a deeper appreciation for the region's rich tapestry of traditions, challenges, and triumphs, fostering a sense of connection and dialogue. Contextually, "Shifting Witness" contributes to contemporary art dialogues by shedding light on often-overlooked narratives from the South Caucasus, while also addressing universal themes of identity, displacement, and societal change that resonate globally. In a world marked by geopolitical tensions and cultural shifts, the exhibition serves as a timely reminder of the power of art to bridge divides and foster empathy in the pursuit of a more interconnected world.
Photo Stories from the South Caucasus
"Shifting Witness: Photo Stories from the South Caucasus" is an immersive exhibition that captures the essence of Armenia, Azerbaijan, and Georgia through captivating imagery, showcasing the resilience, diversity, and complexities of the region.
The exhibition presents photo projects created by eight amateur photographers under the Kolga Tbilisi Photo Visual Storytelling Program.
Themes of societal transformation, cultural revival, and human resilience invite audiences to witness the stories of the South Caucasus and become part of a collective narrative of empathy and understanding. After experiencing the exhibition, viewers will gain a deeper appreciation for the region's rich tapestry of traditions, challenges, and triumphs, fostering a sense of connection and dialogue. Contextually, "Shifting Witness" contributes to contemporary art dialogues by shedding light on often-overlooked narratives from the South Caucasus, while also addressing universal themes of identity, displacement, and societal change that resonate globally. In a world marked by geopolitical tensions and cultural shifts, the exhibition serves as a timely reminder of the power of art to bridge divides and foster empathy in the pursuit of a more interconnected world.
